After years of observing my own behavior, I noticed a recurring pattern that I exhibited towards myself and towards others: treating myself and others as both worthless and special. Myself as worthless and others as special, myself as worthless one minute, myself as special the next. Always bouncing between the two. It took over a year for me to realize this was the result of an emotional trauma I was not aware existed. I had been consciously aware I was adopted, but did not realize the tremendous impact it had on me.
Rape victims, abused children, molestation victims all exhibit this pattern. Oscillating between worthless and special:
1. Treating someone as worthless to make yourself feel special. This feeds the ego to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.
2. Treating someone as special results in feeling worthless. This is usually an emotional repetition of the initial trauma.
3. Treating yourself as special and punishing yourself later.
4. Treating yourself as worthless and rewarding yourself later.
Examples of 3 & 4:
- extravagant shopping trip with a car accident on the way home
- eating junk food and fasting the next day
Worthless/Special is an endless oscillation that can be consciously prevented once the pattern is recognized. The pattern repeats the trauma and prevents recovery. Once stopped, your brain will begin to heal. It's that simple.